Zariah

I have had a lot of people email me about Zariah so I thought I would tell you all a little bit about her.
Zariah is my granddaughter, she lives in Heaven. She was born November 12, 2007 and at birth was not breathing and then lost a heartbeat. The medical team worked on her for 11 minutes with CPR and finally got her going. She scared us all out of our minds! After we all started breathing again we started taking pictures of her and didn't stop until her death 2 1/2 months later.
Zariah was (well maybe that should be is???) a beautiful baby! She was so sweet and cuddly even as a newborn. She never cried, she ate great and her favorite place was laying on someones chest being held. At almost 3 weeks old she started to cry and vomit her formula. At first we thought she just had a upset tummy, happens a lot so we were not alarmed. We gave her a little pedialite and watched her through the night, she never did get a fever so we kept thinking her little tummy was just upset and maybe she had some gas because she was curling up her body in obvious pain.
The next day we decided she needed to be taken to the ER so we went to the hospital just south of us. They took some blood and said they would get back to us, they also thought she was just a little gassy. All day she cried and we just could not console her. It got to the point that we felt she was in too much pain and something else HAD to be wrong! That evening we took her to another hospital just to the north of us and they drew more blood and then did a ultrasound and said they felt she had appendicitis and they wanted her sent to Primary Children's Hospital for surgery because she was so small.
So on the night of December 5, 2007 (my husbands birthday~ that really sucked!) she was taken to Salt Lake. At Primary Children's they decided to draw even more blood and were assured that the baby had not been abused in any way to cause her discomfort the doctor came in to do a CAT Scan before taking her to surgery. After those tests were done the doctor told us that she didn't have anything wrong with her appendix, but that he was admitting her to the NICU because they thought she had some kind of blood disorder. We had my brother in law come and give her a blessing and we felt it helped as she did perk up a little the next day.
During the next few days while they decided what to do and tried to get a biopsy on her tiny body her abdomen grew so big, it looked like she was pregnant. FINALLY they decided to take her into surgery and do an exploratory to see what they could figure out. After surgery she came back to the NICU with a HUGE bandage over her tummy and the doctor told us that the acids in her stomach had been so bad that her stomach and intestines were too swollen to put back inside her so they were outside of her body in a pouch under that bandage. From that point on we could not hold her anymore which was one of the hardest things about her being there, no way to comfort her. She also started filling her diapers with blood and throwing up blood so they thought the acids were causing more issues for her and she was given a lot of blood to keep her alive. They finally decided that she had developed ulcers from her medications and that was causing the blood loss so they gave her a different kind of medication that helped it for a while.
After 2 more surgeries the surgeon told us that she had a Kapisoform Endothelioma that started in her pancreas, but was quickly moving to take over her kidneys, intestines, bladder and that she would need chemotherapy and radiation to give her any chance of living. We had another blessing for her and put her in the surgeon and God's hands (my sister's father in law came to do this blessing and he brought a man I didn't know with him, I found out later that he was made the new president of the LDS church, how cool is that???)
I usually don't talk about religion because my family has many different religions in it and it usually ends up in an argument of some kind, but the members of my family that are LDS and the rest of us all believe in God and we feel that our prayers, fasting and blessings made it possible for us to have a little time to spend with Zariah.
For the next week she went once a day over to Huntsman Cancer Center for her chemo and radiation. She got so sick, her platelets dropped dramatically and she had to be given blood transfusions several times a day for weeks.
She had a few more minor surgeries and at one time her heart stopped in surgery and another time her lung collapsed, but she kept holding on.
She was on so much morphine to keep her comfortable that she could hardly stay awake, but when she was awake she would look at you with these big beautiful eyes that seemed to be so wise and we all felt she was communicating the best way she could. Since her first surgery she had been on a breathing tube and couldn't make any sounds, but just having her stare so intently at us, we knew she was having some good contact. She kept blowing out IV sites so she was taken into surgery again to have a main line put in and after that we could at least hold her foot or hand without hurting her. She got an infection that caused her white count to go sky high and they couldn't figure out what it was from so back into surgery she went and they found a staff infection. Through all this she hung in like a trooper, smiling with her eyes whenever she would wake up and see one of us there!
The chemo and radiation were given a low chance of working well, but we held out hope for the 2 weeks after that at the next scan she would show signs of improvement. Unfortunately they doctor did not give us good news. Her final scan showed that the tumor had overtaken most everything in her body, including her lungs and if she was taken off the machine she would not be able to maintain her breathing on her own.
On January 25, 2008 most of the family came to the NICU, they moved Zariah into a private room, took us all in there and closed the door. Two of the best nurses ever, Cori and Nicole went in with us, Cori wasn't even on duty and she came in to help us and let me say that having nurses that REALLY cared about our baby and her comfort made all the difference!!
So back to my story, Nicole and Cori worked together to lift Zariah and all the tubes and machines she was hooked up to and let each of us have a turn to hold her again before she passed away. We had a lady from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation come in and take pictures for us (and she wouldn't even let me pay her! If you ever want to look at donating someplace special I suggest you go to their site!) Cori & Nicole helped us dress her in her Christmas dress and then let Jacki hold her as they unhooked her machines, took out her breathing tube and she took her final breath. Those pictures mean the world to us and I can never thank them enough!! So that is when the angels that had been cradling Zariah for us, took her hand and led her home to Jesus.
It is really hard for me to get into much detail now, but while it was all happening I kept a site on carepages.com up to date and if anyone would like to read the whole story and see the pictures of our angel just go to carepages.com and her page name is Zariah111207. The pages are set up to read backwards to you have to go to the end and go back to read them the right way.

~~Top Ten Lists~~

I decided I needed a top 10 list of irritations and a top 10 reasons for frustration, just to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else:
Irritations
1. No hunting season on pedophiles, sexual predators or baby rapers and no firing squads in the court rooms for when a child molester pleads guilty. Why must my tax dollars go to keeping these useless wastes of space alive and living better than I can afford? Give that money to their victims~ they are the ones that deserve help not the animals who preyed upon them!
2. Having to have a mammogram and ultrasound twice a year because I am a happy cancer survivor. Obviously I have already lost all my breasties so what on earth could make you think I want to be reminded of it twice a year by a technician with jokes I have heard a thousand times and really don't make me feel any better about it? There is no joke that can take my mind off the pain caused by a mammogram machine that only has tiny bits of tissue to grab onto.
3. Having to listen to my husband's damn dog who feels the need to whine, howl and bark when he feels he is not getting the attention he needs.
4. People who excuse their children's rudeness and bad behavior with a smile and shoulder shrug or some lame assed comment. Grow up and act like adults maybe they will learn from you.
5. Having the same argument with my little girls about cleaning their room and the ridiculous excuses they make for why they can't figure out if they take a couple minutes every day to pick up it wouldn't get like that.
6. Trying to find clothes styles somewhere between my daughters' itty bitty pieces of material clothing and my mother's polyester prison clothing that actually fit my fat ass and look half way decent.
7. On any given day I am the only one (so I think) on the road that has a clue how to drive and knowing I can't teach these complete idiots anything, except not to tailgate me and then pass me doing 110mph or I will turn my wig wags on and make you think you are getting pulled over (only for a second, but boy is it fun to see people hit the brakes and duck their head down.)Go as fast as you want, but stay off my ass and we will both be happy.
8. People who pull out from the side of the road directly in front of me when there are no cars behind me. I believe NASCAR speeds should be observed everywhere that little children are not i.e., THE FREEWAY!!
9. Celebrities that adopt kids from all over the world and then flaunt it in the faces of perfectly good and caring people who wait for years to get a child. Like they are special or better than "real" people and can love a child more because they have money~~ WRONG!!
10. People that think it is OK to hurt a child. Just because you have one doesn't mean you "own" it and can do whatever you want to it. If you want something to abuse buy a punching bag, it'll be cheaper and the labor getting it to your house is much easier.

Frustrations
1. I am a road rager and if you cut me off in traffic I will curse at you, possibly flip you off, wish the fleas of a thousand camels invade your armpits, etc, etc.
2.I always sneeze in 3's - I hate it and when I have to wait for the 3rd one I feel like I am going to throw up. I have had people tell me dozens of things to do to make that last one come and none of them work.
3.I would rather read than watch TV, yet the TV in my house ALWAYS has to be on and if the girls are home they ALL have to be on.
4. Having the metabolism of a blade of grass and not being able to lose even 10 pounds. I used to be able to eat 25000 calories a day and I was so busy it worked right off, now I look at a french fry and my thighs start to groan.
5.People who don't know how to count in the grocery check out line. Now I am not talking about the little old lady who has 14 things in the 10 item or less line. No I am talking about the mullet wearing dork following the HUGE lady in shorty shorts and a belly shirt (see below) with 5 snot nose kids that are grabbing everything in sight and screaming because they can't have it taking their FULL cart to the 15 items or less line and then making excuses like they need to hurry to get their kids out of the store. What they really need is to not take those little demons into public until they learn to behave and if you insist on bringing them let the people who have only 2-3 things get checked out so we can get away from said children.
6. Continually happy and cheerful people who tell me stupid things like, “Smile it could be worse" Keep it up and I will show you how much worse it could be.
7.Belly shirts. They should never worn by the people who are wearing them. Tight, tan bellies~~ maybe, but bursting out of the waistband ones, not so much, it's gross. And as much as I love tattoo's, if your little circle of whatever it used to be around your belly button now looks like super stretched out flock of something unimaginable, please keep it covered! If you have a hairy back or nasty pits, cover the damn things up. I also don't want to see your thong riding up your back or your butt crack when you bend over to get something. This also goes for "boys" (because no man would do this) who wear their pants around the bottom of their butt cheeks. I don't want to see your boxers, or lack thereof. If you have to do your belt up so tight on your legs that you walk like a penguin, it is time to pull the damn things up. You don't look cool, you are not a gangster, you are, however, going to fall if you ever have to run from a real gangster who may be firing a gun at you~~ think about it, you are a slow moving target who can't defend himself because he is holding onto his pants trying to run away without meeting the pavement with his face.
8.People who feel totally sorry for themselves for all of the awful, terrible, horrible things that have happened in their lives. I’m not trying to say that painful things don't happen in all of our lives, but people who want my sympathy and cash donations for things that have happened are more than likely not going to get them. Get a clue: We’ve all had pain, we’ve all been through SOMETHING and most of us are still paying for it since we have the sense not to ask the world for a hand out. That’s life, live with it or get over it.
9. People who plead poverty and insist on begging everyone they know (or don't know) for help, yet they can go out to dinner 3-4 times a month, go to movies, concerts and amusement parks. I work 45+ hours a week and my husband works more and we can't afford to do those things. I guess we could if we had everyone in the neighborhood supporting us and could spend our money as we wished. Support your own damn kids and live life like the rest of us have to.
10. Celebrities that can push out twins and be in a size 2 in 30 minutes. Can't you at least appear to be human for the sake of the rest of us regular people?

And there it is, lists of stupid-assed things that piss me off. I know, like you give a flying rat's ass......but it made me feel better!! :-)

~~What a Difference a Year Makes~~

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This day last year we were all at Primary Children's Hospital taking turns holding Zariah and telling her how much she meant to all of us. Hoping for a last minute miracle, yet knowing it would not happen. Our sweet baby was going to die from the horrible cancer she had been born with despite the chemo, radiation and many surgeries her little body had been through. She fought so hard and endured more than any 2 month old, or any child should have to. It was so hard to turn off the machines that were keeping her alive, it felt so wrong to make the decision to let her go, yet it was the only thing to do to make her comfortable. She had suffered long enough and there was just nothing more the doctors could do for her and to keep her from being in such horrible pain. It was the hardest day of my life. I felt I had failed somehow in protecting this precious little life. But at 6:40 pm the angels that had been holding Zariah, took her by the hand and led her home to Jesus. God needed to call her home and she is brightening Heaven with her beautiful eyes and smile, no longer in pain and not suffering in her earthly body, waiting for all of us to meet her again.

One year later as we visit her grave and tell her how much we miss her, we also get to tell her about her little brother. I feel she hand picked him for us and he looks so much like her it is amazing. At times he stares at her picture by his crib and smiles and "talks" to her. Other times he coo's and smiles at nothing, staring off into space and we are just sure he is seeing her and she is telling him stories and watching over him and the rest of us.





He is such a blessing and I would never say or think that he is taking her place, but he fills a void that losing her left in our home. He is such a sweet baby and he is loved so much. I never thought my heart would heal, but holding that little boy makes a calming feeling come over me and I feel her in my heart & soul.

So what a difference a year makes. This time last year my heart was breaking and I didn't think I would ever stop crying and not knowing how I could go on. Today I am playing with my grandson, enjoying his smiles, amazed at how fast he is growing and looking forward to him growing up into a handsome little man.

If you would like to read the story of Zariah's life you can go to www.carepages.com and her page name is Zariah111207.