Friday, September 11, 2009

~~I Have a Frienemy, or Do I?~~

I am sure that throughout my life there has been more than one, even a few I can think of now, but the frienemy I am thinking of and that is ruining my new friendship has probably hurt me more than any friend or enemy I have ever had.

I now know that she was a frienemy...disguised as a friend but really an enemy, but there was a time I thought of her as a friend. We shopped for Sub for Santa, I watched her kids, we saw movies, we went to dinner, she had me over for dinner, I had her over for dinner, we went to the ballpark, I even bought a truck for hubby from her as a surprise for Fathers Day~ although now I know it was all pre-planned. I confided in her when it was all a show because she was trying to pump me for information about my man that would help her take him from me.

See, my frienemy became the "other woman". Or should I say the other woman became my frienemy. The details don't matter and the horrid story isn't what I really want to talk about, lets just leave it at the statement of everybody lost in the deal, me the trust and total love I had for my husband, he lost the job he really loved and she seemed to lose her "perfect" standing in everyones eyes, her husband lost his faith in their relationship.

What I really want to talk about is why people think it is OK to put their grubby hooks into someone else's partner. It happens in all types of relationships, straight, gay, mixed race, rich and poor, and there never seems to be a valid answer, at least not one I accept.

I swear if I hear "It just happened" one more time I will go ballistic. Your pants didn't just fall off and your penis didn't fall into her. Even if it didn't go that far the emotional cheating is just as bad. It doesn't make it any more right if it doesn't get physical.

Why is it that people vow that they will love and cherish only one person for the rest of their life if that is not what they want to do? Nobody forces you- well I guess there is some shotgun weddings, but as a whole I think it is voluntary. Do people not think about what they are losing and who they are hurting? I guess that would be a no because cheating is very selfish on the cheaters part.

In my case, as well as many others, we reconciled and try our best every day to work things out and get on with our lives. I will never say I forget, but I am managing to forgive. It is hard and there are days I still lash out or have things that bring up those old feelings. It has been several years for me and although I know my husband is truly sorry, I will never trust him completely again. I try, but I can't. I am too afraid of being hurt again. A hurt that if you haven't felt it, you would never understand. She took the man that I thought I'd be married to forever and who I felt was my soul mate and assisted him in losing my trust.

Now for my whole point. I have a new friend and I am having a really hard time getting closer to her. She invited us to her house warming party, she asks us to come for dinner or she invites us to go to a movie, today she made home made bread and brought some to share with us and yet no matter how nice she is or how many nice things she does, I feel myself pushing her away. She is a really nice person and I have no reason to believe that she is after my husband, but I can't put those old feelings aside. I will admit it, I am scared. I guess it is because it took me a looooooong time to figure out that my instinct was right before and I don't ever want to be put in that position again. Actually I wont be put in that position again because if I even suspect I will lose it and kill them both (I'm kidding, OK, maybe I'm not).

So I am asking for your advise. Do I give my trust again and have friends outside of my family? I haven't for over 3 years now. 3 years and I haven't done ANYTHING with anyone that wasn't in my family. I swore I would never stay with a man who cheated and I had to consider that seriously when it happened to me. It took a long hard look at what I wanted in my life and I had to take a step back from my pride to stay in the relationship. I can't do that again. I care about myself and my kids too much to even consider it. BUT I can't help it that almost every day something or someone reminds me that I do not have the perfect marriage I envisioned.

I think I want to have friends, but do I?? We have been fine for over 3 years with it just being the two of us and he is my best friend. But he isn't always there, he has friends and a life outside of our home. I think I want that too......... but you tell me what you think, should I trust someone and take the chance at having another frienemy?????


Queen-Size funny bone said...

we were told at a young age that alls fair in love and war. I'm not sure any relationship is worth it if you have to isolate yourself and your relationship from others because no can be trusted. Its tough in this age of young and old that seem to have no morales.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'm going to try to not make this long but I think you may remember my story and it is so similar to yours in some ways. He cheated. I forgave and for 10 years, we were best friends and even voted our county's sweethearts in the local newspaper. He cheated again. Both times were with people that I didn't know.

In order for your marriage to work, you've got to trust him enough to make friends outside of your relationship. Put it this way, if he's going to cheat (which I'm hoping to God he never does again), there's nothing that's going to stop him anyway.

Life is all about risks and trust. Your new friend is reaching out to you probably has no idea that you share the fear that you do that she would cheat with your husband. Give her the benefit of the doubt and take the time to get to know her. You may be surprised that you really do need girlfriends to confide in and spend time with and she may very well be that one. Just because one person is a frienemy doesn't mean that she will be too. Open up your heart and trust her. You may be pleasantly surprised.

~Mama Skates~ said...

wow, what a horrible bitch!!! i'm so sorry that happened 2 u! i can't imagine a woman doing that 2 her friend!

i've never been cheated on, but i can imagine what it would do 2 ur trust - of anyone! it's hard enuff that u have 2 pick up the pieces with ur hubby, but 2 worry about another woman coming in & wrecking ur happy home again? that sux!

i hope u realize tho that most women wouldn't do that - at least i hope they wouldn't...u can't punish ur friends 4 the rest of ur life 4 what that 1 psychotic bitch did 2 u & ur family...& ultimately, it will come down 2 ur husband - even if another woman (friend or not) comes at him like that again, u have 2 know he'd refuse advances & b completely open & honest with u about it this time...can u say that? marriage counseling might help strengthen that trust again - might help him see how he can win back ur heart that u don't always feel like u have 2 b on edge - ready 2 pounce any woman that might look his way

i hope that the whole situation gets easier 4 u! most of all, pray - pray 4 peace & strength & of luck girl!